“Caroline” took ibogaine HCl to help resolve childhood issues (December 2000)
I am a 40 year old woman, employed as a substance abuse counselor in San Francisco. I am also a member of Santo Daime, a church which uses ayahuasca in its ceremonies, so I am familiar with the use of entheogens.
I had been interested in ibogaine for about three years, as a treatment for drug addiction and as a tool for spiritual growth. A friend of mine had been initiated by the Bwiti in a dramatic ceremony that sounded difficult but fascinating. I used to be a drug addict and an alcoholic, but stopped with the aid of 12 step programs ten years ago. I started attending Santo Daime three years ago.
I had arranged to meet H and try ibogaine over the internet. I almost didn’t come, but finally decided to. I flew from California to Holland on the 13th and arrived on the 14th of December.
I took the ferry to the island of Texel with H, he rented a house, and we took a walk, then returned to try the ibogaine.
I initially took one gram. I had it administered in an enema, to prevent stomach upset. H used to be a nurse, so he had the technique down. I experienced no effects on my stomach at all during the experience. I found the sensation of the ibogaine in my body to be pleasant and comfortable, not irritating as I had feared. In about a half hour, I felt a heaviness in my arms and legs. I felt that another quarter gram would be nice, so H administered that. I didnt want to move around. H stayed in the room with me for a while, but soon I told him he could go elsewhere if he wanted because I did not feel like I needed anyone to sit with me. I started seeing what looked like ornate furniture stuck near the ceiling or on the walls. I was seeing pillows with intricate embroidery on them, but then when I reached out to touch them, they were not there. I saw up against the wall two Roman soldiers in armour that was welded so that their backs were facing each other. They were each seated in front of a chess board, but they had no partner. This was only one of many bizarre hallucinations. I could not tell if my eyes were open or closed and I had to reach up and touch my eyes to check. I was looking down at landscapes that appeared as mirages, appearing clearly and then wavering and vanishing. I felt as though I were flying over seasides and mountainscapes, and at other times I would see a building head on, and it would waver and then disappear. I soon saw a circle of beings up above me, in a semicircle looking down at me. I asked who they were and they said we are the Masters of Light. I could not see them very well, I saw flashing pictures of eagles, but then one appeared to me, it was a white woman and she said her name was Ariel. She said she would help answer my questions. She was very nice and in what seemed like a really good mood. I had wanted to know about some sexual abuse I thought had occured when I was a child involving my father. Both my parents are now dead, but this question had come up in therapy several times, and even though I could surmise from details of my life that something difficult happened to me around sex as a child, I still felt a resistance to thinking such a thing. Suddenly I was shown myself as a three year old leaving my parents bedroom, my mother alseep in the bed and my father saying “Don’t tell mama.” I dont know if this is a memory, as I saw myself from an aerial view. But then my view would switch back to that of a child. I had very clear sense impressions of walking through the room, and I continued to other parts of the house where I noted how realistic everything seemed. All the details of my home when I was growing up were before me. During this part I became emotional, and was filled with certitude, something sexual of this nature did occur. I saw how many of my behaviors had been affected by this event. It was a profound feeling of sadness and understanding.
When that episode was over, I continued to ask questions of Ariel. Some answers she would not give me, things I wanted to know about relationships in the future and my job in the future, she explained that in these cases knowing would hinder the lessons I would get from finding out. Springtime was indicated as a hopeful time. I asked how old I would live to be, and the answer I got was 73. I questioned her about it, and she just shrugged and indicated that was her answer I could take it how I wanted. I asked about my mission in life, and I was told it was to be a healer of some kind, but I could not get more specific information. It was a very natural back and forth conversation that seemed to go on for hours. She told me that I was also an angel. At one point she left and I said thank you.
The circle of beings still hung overhead whenever I went to look for them there, all night long. Furniture continued to line the walls, and other weird images would arise for about five seconds while I studied them intently and then they would vanish. I was very restless in bed, kicking my legs and having to switch from front to side to back over and over again. Dreamlike stories which I can’t recall, some very mundane, others fantastical flowed through my mind. I was unaware if my eyes were open or closed, but occasionally images would pop up in my sight and I would have to feel my eyes to see if they were open or not. It felt as though I could see the room with my eyes closed. The next day I lay in bed all day, in a state of dreamy exhaustion, slipping in and out of such reveries. I felt extemely lethargic. On the third day I was completely wiped out, partly becasue I hadn’t eaten for a few days. I was up after that and after eating I still feel a little weak, but much better.
I had recently been smoking marijuana every day for a few weeks, and I found I had no desire to smoke so far. I think part of this is a desire to return to normal mental functioning, partly a desire to maintain the pristine feeling I got from the ibogaine. The presentation about my childhood I received has helped me enormously in my understanding. I think it took something so strong for me to break through this resistance to my own healing. The environment I took the ibogaine in was very important and the level of trust I had for H and his motives were crucial I think to the good outcome I experienced. I felt the rewards of the ibogaine were well worth the physical inconvenience, and I hope to be able to explore in this way again. I recommend bypassing oral administration in favor of the enema, as I noted I had no stomach upset at all.
Hi,
I also suffer from sexual issues. And in the past have been under antidepressant and anxiety disorder medication. I no longer take medication due to spiritual growth, but I deal with compulsive sexual habbits. I am 45 years old and feel stock in life. Back to school to move into different career field after being two years out of work. Could you please give me a lead where to find ibogaine at an affordable price. I don’t need resort or resort type activities. I am a healthy individual no need of blood lab work. So just a caring place where I can get the right dosis. I would use some money from an student loan I got. PLEASE HELP. THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR TESTIMONY.
Hi, I also would like to know about this person in Holland. I think the idea of getting ibogaine through an enema is excellent. Please send me his details if possible. Thank you.
Are you still looking for ibogaine?
I’m looking for Ibogaine with someone who has a medical background