For the umpteenth time I was reducing of the Methadone, got down to 25mg then started using (once again). I went up to 60 mg. This was very depressing, wanting to get off the methadone and knowing that I would have to reduce again and go through all that shit all over again. As we know to reduce from 60mg down to 25mg is much easier than from 25mg to 0. If I cannot handle going to 25mg how am I going to go from 25mg to nothing. Aaaaaaargh, f*ck, I can’t do this anymore, I have been trying for many many years.
I was quickly losing interest in living, I just wanted to go home to the other side. Being addicted to opiates for 23 years had become to much to bear. I was at my wits end. I was giving up, ..going down fast.
One day soon after in utter despair, I had a thought come into my head, “Hang in there, it’s almost over.” Being desperate to be pulled out of the ocean of addiction, I held onto the thought. How could this be nearly over, it will take another year at least to reduce of 60mg. The thought kept coming to me over and over again, “hang in there, it’s almost over.” I started to get some hope back. I thought the only way this can be over quick is if I find a great rehab” and come straight off.
(I believe the voice in my head was my brother who passed on. He also battled with addiction all his life)
I started to search the internet and found this great rehab in the states that uses some of Ron Hubbard’s techniques. Nutrition, Sauna and other things. I had heard of this type of treatment before and was hopeful. I contacted them and spoke to this great guy, I am sorry that I cannot remember his name.
This man told me that I need to detox before coming to the rehab’ and advised me of a couple of methods, one of which was the controversial Ibogaine/Iboga. He gave me the “Mindvox” Ibogaine site.
I logged onto this site and started talking to some of the people and reading as much as I could absorb on Ibogaine. I was fortunate to be able to talk to a few people before treatment during and after, Howard, Randy, Julie, Sean and others.
The surge of hope flowing through me again was incredible, I could see a way out. (I am getting goose bumps).
I applied for a loan and got it (whew). I spoke to some providers and then rang Sara in Amsterdam. It was booked and organised.
I took with me 600mg of physeptone (Methadone in a tablet) and worked out that if I triple dosed for the next 3 days or so I would be finished them as I got to Sara’s, the final stone on opiates before detoxing.
I got to Amsterdam airport and was warmly greeted with a hug from Sara. We jumped into the car and drove to her place. I gave Sara what little Physeptone I had left. When I got to Sara’s the fear started to set in, this was it. Shit what am I doing here, I don’t think I can do this. No I can’t do this, I have to go back, for the next few hours I am trying to figure out how I was going back. Sara could see how utterly scared I was and started to calm me. I would have rathered a bear come into the camp to attack as I could have seen what I was facing.
I stayed the night and woke in the morning very anxious, f*ck,…no methadone. Mmmm can’t go back and face everyone not having at least tried this.
I started to get a little sick in the afternoon and Sara gave me my first dose of 1 gram of Iboga extract. I laid down and after about 1 hour I started to feel relaxed and more at ease with the Iboga, a slight vibrating sensation, knowing this was a very spiritual plant I gave thanks with each dose and asked for guidance.An hour or or two later I was given 1.8 grams. The vibrating became more intense, I felt a low pitch buzzing in my head and a vibrating in my body, very relaxing,..no withdrawals.
I was then given 3 grams an hour or two later, the low frequency type of vibrating became more intense, then I found myself in the jungle or somewhere similar. I was on a mat on the ground, there were 7 or 8 tribes people on each side of the mat, they picked me up on the mat and started wobbling it,…wobble wobble wobble,..side to side, I knew they were healing me. I was vibrating,..I saw my cells being vibrated, in my cells were dark blockages, little bits of black in these brilliant white cells, as I was being wobbled side to side I could see my cells vibrating more and more,..ummmmmmmm ummmmmmmmm ummmmmmmmmm, the blackness started to vibrate out of my cells, the dark blockages were being dissipated to the sides of the the cells then disappearing.
I was then given 5 grams, after a while there was like an explosion and I found myself on this round medallion type of thing about 8 feet in diameter, like a huge coin. I was spread eagled on this medallion and could not move, arms and legs spread out. One side of this medallion was a brilliant brilliant white and the other side was pitch black.
The medallion started to flip whilst going up, whov whov whov whov whov, then it stopped on an angle, facing up at about a 120 degrees. Then it felt like people put there hands inside my body, my bones from my back and then they ripped away with a crack, as this happened the back of the medallion which was pitch black, snapped away and even though I was still spread eagled on the coin, I felt myself falling into this pitch black abyss, feeling of falling falling and at the same time knowing I was also on the medallion feeling safe.
The feeling of falling disappeared and I was still on the medallion, the medallion was now only a brilliant white, it started to flip again and go up, whov whov whov whov, making this type of sound as it went up up up. The medallion came to a stop and I was facing this most beautiful light,…love acceptance,..more than light more than love, I do not have the words to explain such a sight,..a vast light,..like a liquid love, so bright so expansive. I was a little concerned and I was told, there is nothing to fear, face the light,..and as I did the light which was everything in that existence, there was nothing else, it started to move towards me and then went through me and ohhhh, what a feeling, I started to get champagne bubbles of light going through me, up from my stomach splitting at the base of my heart and exiting through my shoulders, shring shring shring.
It was like I had to be cleansed before going any further,…like trying to mix 14ct gold with 24ct gold,..if you do this you taint the pure gold,..so I was smeltered,..purified so to say.
One of my brothers was killed about 2 years ago. As I was in this light I saw his head,..it was moving from side to side with like white flames coming off his head like locks of white liquid light, his mouth did not move but he was speaking to me, there was light coming from his eyes and from his closed mouth, like he was facing a fan and the fan was blowing his hair but it wasn’t hair, he said to me,”You cannot die, you simply leave your body behind and vibrate into another dimension, I am still alive, just in another dimension, if you want to honour my name, live life fully, and I will live through you until you come home..
The love coming from him was incredible, he was incredible,..so beautiful, I still see him clearly.
I was shown you are one with everything, I felt it, I was told you can experience anyone that ever was or is, who do you wish to experience? I wanted to feel what it would be like to be Jesus, as I thought this, I was coming into a body from above this being of light that had white light as hair saddling his shoulders, as I entered this body of light I got this tremendous feeling of love coming out of my mouth and outstretched hands, like beacons of light coming from my hands and a tremendous feeling of love and compassion within and being sent out to the world, wow, I fell in love with love.
Pure and utter bliss.
As I woke up I felt as if my heart was outside of my body, it was turned inside out and twisted a little, ..like a gene. I went to get up and as I did it felt like I would leave my heart behind if I moved to fast. Like your stomach would feel as you go down a rollercoaster. For the next 24 hours or so I had to cradle my heart out side of my body, like it was my hearts spirit. I would lay down cradling what looked like an empty space above my chest which I felt was my heart outside my body. It felt red raw, inside out,..twisted and it hurt.
After about 24 hours or so my heart felt like it was untwisting and going back inside me.,..then something started to fill my heart with what looked and felt like liquid golden honey, they filled it until my heart overflowed with love I could feel the liquid honey overflowing and trickling down, the feeling was so filling, the love I felt was more than I can describe.
For the next 7 days I had no withdrawals. My energy was non existent and I could not sleep. After about seven days I started to feel some withdrawals,.about 5%. Not sleeping was driving me mad, I was so bored. I was listening to a lot of music, day and night, a lot of Pink Floyd’s “Division Bell.” I was so happy,..I am free,…f*ck I can’t believe it, wow,..I kept thinking this and would cry with joy,..I am free I am free.
After about 3 weeks I had approx’ up to 15% withdrawals, however they were different,..not at a soul level,..more physical,..like I was just sick getting better. I stayed at Sara’s for 27 days and in this time took nutrients and Sara cooked yummy food, Mmm Mmmm M.
I am now into my fourth month, still feel a little “not right” however getting stronger everyday.
My after care consists of no friends around me that are using, drinking herbs and a lot of nutrients, they make the mind stronger. No sugar except for fruit or an occasional short black coffee..smoking pot has helped tremendously. Exercising has helped sleeping. Socialising and laughing my head off is great.
I went to a nightclub and laughed so much I got kicked out. Can you believe that?
I have steam baths at the gym to help sweat out the Methadone.
To help with sleep I took Kava Kava, Passion flower and Valerian. Also Metagenics “Fibroplex plus”. I also took vitamin B complex and other nutrients. Good food is huge and a lot of water.
I also gave up many many years of smoking tobbaco. I still feel like a ciggarette now and then, however the urge goes within a minute or two.
I still find it hard to concentrate and I get impatient. Normally I am a very patient tolerant man.